Slowly but surely I suppose I am taking control of my life. I'm SO DONE relying on others for my happiness. I know it's my own fault for putting faith in other people. I thought there would be someone out there who could save me from myself. Only I can do that. I need to love me before I can ask anyone else too.
I have decided that this fall I will move. I am going to quit my job and move closer to my family.
My job is such a toxic environment. Don't get me wrong. I am madly in love with my job. But I really fucking cannot stand the people I work with. I know what you're thinking: "Everyone has difficult people in their lives; people who make the day less than perfect."
Um, No. The people I work with are sociopaths. And whores. (Both attention and otherwise.) They are selfish. They lie. They gossip with the sole purpose of creating drama. I have never come into contact with such horrible people. They take, take, take and give nothing in return. They contribute nothing to society. Nothing positive to our work environment. They are leeches. Soul sucking leeches. I will be glad to distance myself from that. I shouldn't dread work. I never used to. I used to look forward to every day. And then these broads took over. And no one will do anything. I write them up for their daily infractions. Upper management has no problem with them because of the fact that they come to work. They do the bare minimum. They don't accrue any overtime. They are cheap and stay under the radar. So they get to stay. Awesome. I don't operate that way. I give everything 100%. A few more months and I'm moving on. Done.
Judging by the previous paragraph I probably sound pretty negative and angry. Partly true. I hate going to work. But I really am working on myself. I'm trying to improve my confidence and low self worth. I'm trying to get the hate out of my heart. I'm spending a lot of time working out, trying to sweat out the negative energy. I think I project the negativity because I don't want to get close to anyone. I'm tired of being disappointed. So I'm learning to love myself.
I started doing Herbalife. I replace two meals a day with protein shakes, which taste amazing! Then I eat snacks high in protein every 2-3 hours. And I get one regular meal with protein, fruits/vegs, and a carb. I have to eat 170g of protein and stay under 1800 cals a day. Which so far I've been successful. The hardest part is actually remembering to eat every two hours. Especially at work when I'm swamped, which is almost always. I'm also exercising 3-5x a week even though it isn't necessary to lose weight with Herbalife. But I don't just want to lose weight. I want to be in shape. My sister is doing it with me and she's really supportive. I love her so much.
I'm excited. I want to get healthy. Physically and emotionally. I want to love me so I can allow others to do the same. I don't want to be alone. I don't like feeling so much hatred and anger towards others, regardless of whether or not they deserve it.s
I think I've decided to take control of my life. I have been living for other people for far too long and it has gotten me no where. I need to start living for me. I'm very self aware; always have been. I'm constantly considering how my thoughts and actions will affect others. I need to stop that.
I also have a bad habit of allowing toxic people to influence my thoughts and feelings when I should let it roll of my back. These negative people tend to have the power to define me and I'm taking that power away starting today.
If you have crapped on me or hurt me or use me or been a negative influence on me at all, guess what. Yesterday was your last chance. Starting today I will no longer be giving you the satisfaction. If I am bothered by something you have said or done, I am going to step over that bump, smile and MOVE ON. I will not dwell on it. I will not let it control me. And I will not let it tear me down. You are the one with the problem, not me.
You have the bad life. You are the bad person. I'm done letting you take that out on me. So from now on, when you decide to use me to make yourself feel better or to make yourself feel like you have power over your craptastic life, I will not react whatsoever. Do what you have to do because your actions; your lies and manipulations, say way more about you than they do about me.
And to the people who feed into your BS? I'm done with them too. My life is exactly that- MINE.
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“Yesterday he looked at me with a tear in his eye and he said, “I’ll always tell you you’re my friend I hope I don’t have to lie ‘cause it’s clear you love another man.” And I said, “You’re damn right.” And he said,” It’s crazy. How love stays with me. You know and it hurts me ‘cause I don’t want to fight this war. And it’s amazing to see me reading through this scene of love and fear and apologies. It hurts me that I didn’t figure it out before. And now it’s too late for a soliloquy, way too late for dignity and apologies.”
~ ~ ~ ~
Have you ever heard that one song? That perfect song that describes your one true love? The one person you could give your entire heart and soul to? The one person you would do absolutely anything in the whole world for? “Apologies” is that song for me. When I listen to it I feel it in every fiber of my being. It’s the song that lives deep in my heart.
What do you do when the person in your heart couldn’t care less about you? Even though the time spent with that person is supposed to be happy, you can’t help but feel the most excruciating pain because deep down inside you know that even though your heart belongs to that person, they will never give you theirs in return. You torture yourself repeatedly just because you want them in your life even if it’s not enough. You let yourself get as close to them as possible but at the same time keep an incredible distance between your heart and theirs.
What do you do when you close your eyes every single night and see the person you love more than anything but will never have? It’s painful. It’s beyond pain. It’s not just a physical hurt but emotional as well. Most of the pain we feel as humans is only skin deep. With time it fades and eventually disappears. But unrequited love does not fade. It stays with you forever. Sometimes it hurts so bad that it takes your breath away. Sometimes that hurt is all you can think about.
These are the questions that I find myself asking constantly. I’m terrified that because of these unanswered questions I will always be alone. I don’t know how to let myself love anymore. I cannot let go of this pain no matter how hard I try. It’s ALWAYS THERE. I’m afraid I won’t be able to give my heart to anyone. The one person who has my heart doesn’t even know it. I gave it to him a long time ago and he never even noticed. How is someone supposed to recover from something like that?
Eleven years ago I met and fell in love with my best friend. I was 15. I was working at an athletic summer camp for boys and there he was. We met at the beginning of second session and then we were inseparable. He was the nicest, most interesting boy I had ever known. He had the most amazing blue eyes and his hugs were like nothing I'd ever felt before. Seriously, when that boy hugged me I felt like nothing would ever hurt me. The world just disappeared and it was just him and me.
He lived in a Chicago suburb and I lived in northern Wisconsin. During the summers we spent every waking minute together. We did absolutely everything together and we told each other everything. People always remarked how if one of us walked into a room, the other was sure to follow. When fall came he would go home to Illinois. Yet the miles between us didn't really make a difference. We would talk on the phone for hours... 4-6 hours every single night after school. About everything and nothing at all. Then summer would come and I'd feel whole again.
People thought we were in love. They were sure of it. And the truth was, I was sure of it. I have never loved anyone the way I loved that boy. He made me feel so safe and so special all the time. Our friends always told me that when he looked at me it was like there was no one else in the room. And that's exactly how it felt. His blue eyes would burn into me. Like he was looking into my heart and soul. I was so positive that he was meant to be in my life forever. And he promised me that he would be.
Six years later- my junior year of college. I grew so incredibly depressed. Craziness and drama went down with my roommate. I was homesick and honestly I hated school. I hated the city I was in. I hated the people in my classes. I hated my professors. I stopped caring about everything. I was so so so sad. I hid this from the people who cared about me. I started gaining weight. I went home for the summer. I found out I have Endometriosis. I was scared and sad because I was worried I could never have kids.
Then the camp season started and the boy came back. Our friendship was so different. It seemed forced and strained. We never talked or spent time alone together. And he always canceled plans. Summer ended. Before he left I asked what the problem was. He eventually told me that he was disappointed with the way I looked. He felt like I was a different person. He didn't want us to be close anymore. I was crushed. The boy I loved- my best friend-- hated me because of what I looked like. I began to hate myself.
For awhile I was so depressed I continued to gain more weight. I dropped out of college and moved back to Wisconsin. Most of the time I wanted to die. I hated myself that much. If the person who was supposed to love me for me and always keep me safe could stop loving me and throw me away, how could anyone else ever love me? Eventually my pain from losing the boy got pushed down. I buried it for the most part. I started working out and more or less starving myself. I lost most of the weight I had gained but I also lost myself. I haven't been whole in so long. From time to time that pain escapes from where I have it buried and I fall apart. I miss him so much. I miss the person I was when he loved me. Or maybe I should say I miss the person I was before he broke me...
I don't know how to trust people. I don't know how to get close to people. I am so terrified of being hurt. Every person I've ever gotten close to has disappeared. Some of them have died. Some got sick of me and my insecurities so they drifted away. But most of them I pushed away. I so desperately want to change. I want to learn to love myself so other people will.
I'm a yo-yo dieter. When I start to gain weight I calorie count like crazy. I work out until I throw up. And sometimes when I eat I feel guilty so I throw up. I stare at myself in the mirror for hours. I keep hoping to see the girl I used to be. I never find her. I know that I will probably never be that girl again. But I hate the girl I am now. I don't know how to love her. Her heart hurts SO MUCH all the time...
i feel so alone all the time. i can be surrounded by people yet i feel like i'm on the outside looking in. being around people.... getting emotionally close is terrifying for me. i used to have so many friends but i was betrayed and hurt so badly one too many times. now i feel comfortable only when i'm by myself. it's easier that way. i don't have to worry about being hurt or let down or lied to.
i really want people in my life. people i can depend on and can have them depend on me. but i'm just so tired of being used up and thrown away. i want to be normal. but i cannot let my guard down. i try again and again and i'm let down again and again.
i try simply not caring but i do. probably too much. i know i need to learn to love myself and the rest will come but how can i love myself when over and over again people tell me and show me that i'm not keepable?? that i'm not worth loving..??
Previous Postsmaking progres, posted March 24th, 2013
taking control, posted March 11th, 2013
rock bottom, posted March 9th, 2013
apologies, posted February 9th, 2013
where is she, posted September 18th, 2010
alone, posted September 17th, 2010, 1 comment
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