apologies | jennieee's Blog
“Yesterday he looked at me with a tear in his eye and he said, “I’ll always tell you you’re my friend I hope I don’t have to lie ‘cause it’s clear you love another man.” And I said, “You’re damn right.” And he said,” It’s crazy. How love stays with me. You know and it hurts me ‘cause I don’t want to fight this war. And it’s amazing to see me reading through this scene of love and fear and apologies. It hurts me that I didn’t figure it out before. And now it’s too late for a soliloquy, way too late for dignity and apologies.”
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Have you ever heard that one song? That perfect song that describes your one true love? The one person you could give your entire heart and soul to? The one person you would do absolutely anything in the whole world for? “Apologies” is that song for me. When I listen to it I feel it in every fiber of my being. It’s the song that lives deep in my heart.
What do you do when the person in your heart couldn’t care less about you? Even though the time spent with that person is supposed to be happy, you can’t help but feel the most excruciating pain because deep down inside you know that even though your heart belongs to that person, they will never give you theirs in return. You torture yourself repeatedly just because you want them in your life even if it’s not enough. You let yourself get as close to them as possible but at the same time keep an incredible distance between your heart and theirs.
What do you do when you close your eyes every single night and see the person you love more than anything but will never have? It’s painful. It’s beyond pain. It’s not just a physical hurt but emotional as well. Most of the pain we feel as humans is only skin deep. With time it fades and eventually disappears. But unrequited love does not fade. It stays with you forever. Sometimes it hurts so bad that it takes your breath away. Sometimes that hurt is all you can think about.
These are the questions that I find myself asking constantly. I’m terrified that because of these unanswered questions I will always be alone. I don’t know how to let myself love anymore. I cannot let go of this pain no matter how hard I try. It’s ALWAYS THERE. I’m afraid I won’t be able to give my heart to anyone. The one person who has my heart doesn’t even know it. I gave it to him a long time ago and he never even noticed. How is someone supposed to recover from something like that?
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Previous Postsmaking progres, posted March 24th, 2013
taking control, posted March 11th, 2013
rock bottom, posted March 9th, 2013
apologies, posted February 9th, 2013
where is she, posted September 18th, 2010
alone, posted September 17th, 2010, 1 comment
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